Adapting to changes – moving from the in-arms stage often means baby starts showing preferences and opinions about toileting!

Here are 24 things to consider as you both learn to adapt (and take it easy – this stage is universal) 

For older mobile babies - growing autonomy. These insights and strategies are also useful if you are beginning elimination communication later.

Declining invitations at pee breaks
I have found an interesting challenge in responding successfully to changes in Maven's behaviour as he grows and develops his personality. Once he became mobile, there have been times, stages in a day, an afternoon, or here and there over a couple of days where he would signal a need to pee - either overtly or by me observing his body language, or by timing, yet when I took him to have a wee, he would arch, complain, or cry out and straighten his limbs. When I put him down to play or explore, he would pee shortly after. It was perplexing and frustrating for me, and he would get upset and cry or grizzle that he wet himself or the floor. Sometimes he wouldn't, of course!

Adapting to changes
This wasn't good for either of us. So I had to find ways to adapt. I have come up with a range of strategies over these three months to help us through this stage, so that Maven is happy and dry, is 'relieved' when he needs to be, and I am happy as our connection is developing. I have found these strategies are successful at different times - I run through a bunch of them if necessary, which is quite easy as they mainly involve relaxing the baby. The key is working out what CHANGE is required in the routine, location, approach or attitude.

A variety of 'cues' helps
Through this stage I have found having a variety of cues has been helpful - the cue sound 'pss sss', the position cue, the nonverbal 'belly crunching', deep breathing, humming and the sound of the water running from the tap. I have experimented through trial and error, through gentle persistence (and some frustrations) on my part, discussions with Chris, and with a focus on keeping Maven happy and having a commitment not to use nappies once we'd largely stopped using them. Though certain times we did, no worries.

There are two situations I try to work out first:

He declined a pee-break because he didn't have to go at all. 
I ask myself these questions:

Is he actually hungry?
I sometimes jumble his hunger cues with his need-to-pee signs. (or perhaps he does) I offer him a quick feed (like I do at night) as this will tell me which, and help relax him.

What is the weather like?
In hot weather he'll reduce pee frequency to every three hours or even more!

Where are we?
If we are in a new environment - a house he hasn't been to, a noisy place, somewhere with small kiddies around, in the car, he'll simply hold it for hours.

Has his pattern changed?
I've discovered this can happen almost overnight. So, twice I tracked each pee catch and miss over 24 hours to see if there were general changes. I found I'd been offering a pee-break WAY to often.

Is it just a burp?
Seems dumb I know, but quite a number of times, the squirmy, uncomfortable behaviours that lead me to offer a pee-break only result in a burp (or a fluff) at the sink - being held in position, and jiggled to get there, relieved the pressure. I guess in his mind it is "Something happening inside me - must let Mum know -she'll sort it out" Then, of course, he has no need to pee, and wants to leave. So, I've taken up giving him a good jiggle on the way to see if a burp pops out on the way!

He obviously needs to have a pee as he'd signalled with body language, or vocally, yet declines a pee-break. 
I use these strategies:

Patience
I realised that he'd simply forget why we went to another room, or the change of position had made the 'urge' go away. Playing for a bit would help, or coming back later. Gentle persistence so he goes in the bathroom was the aim of the game!

Baby wearing
I hold or wear him until he signals clearly again, and to help him relax. We walk about, have some fun, go outside to calm him, then he'll happily go. My number one solution to a 'missy' day.

Relax the baby first mode
I see his sign, go into 'relax the baby' mode first, so that he is happy and giggly before we go to the sink, rather than rushing there.

Wait longer than usual
I realised as his muscles were developing strength, he found it harder to relax them on cue, or in the same amount of time he had in the past. So, I'd do something to help him relax. 

Focus on MY breathing ***SO HELPFUL!!***
If I am tense, Maven is. Part of the mother-infant 'dyad' connection. If I am concerned he won't pee, or am distracted, I'll breathe shallowly or even hold my breath while he is in position. I've found that when I focus on slowly breathing deeply, and slowly sighing out loud, this will help him to relax and pee. Breathing on his head has become a steadfast cue.

Distractions to make baby giggle
To calm and relax him I'll turn him upside-down, tickle him, pull faces at 'mirror Maven', play with toys (stretchy ones are good), trickle water, try another location, until he relaxes to pee.

Change in position to supported standing
The in-arms position may be uncomfortable due to gas, firmer poops with more family foods added to his breast milk diet, or on a whim. So, I stand him in the basin and support him around the chest, under the arms, trickle water as he plays with a toy. This helps him to relax in about 30 seconds to pee.

Breastfeed him
I'd give/ offer him a feed in case of signal confusion, and to help him relax, plus the feed often helps trigger his system to go. He's a cue-fed baby.

Pain relief help
Teething pain plays havoc with his signalling and level of cooperation. I'd do everything to get him to giggle to release endorphins, extra feeding for the relaxing hormones, homeopathic drops, lots of cuddles.

Ask through sign language
If I see a sign, especially an obvious voluntary one, I'd ask by signing/ saying 'toilet?', tapping his bowl - and look for cooperation in the form of unconcern or eagerness from him. If he looked away or moved away, it wasn't that, I'd offer a feed, or wait a bit.

Ditch the potty
I tried early potty use around eight months, but it was only successful for wake-up pees really, was very prone to be declined, seemed to promote a battle of wills- plonking him back on it. He'd climb off it, or refuse to sit on it; so I'd take him to the sink and he'd pee happily! We've gone back to the occasional timing pee with it until he's older, and walking.

Going into the great outdoors
Going outside was a good help, the birds, trees, cats and chicken elicited happiness and relaxation, and if nothing else, a natural spot to wander and have a wee! Ah, Al-fresco wees - he loves them, so does the bush he wees on in the backyard.

Time it!
Setting the timer for whatever his pattern is helps, or just a little shorter so he can 'release' a bit before the need becomes urgent, a great benefit of infant hygiene. This avoids the issue of a full bladder being too uncomfortable and distracting him from releasing a pee easily.

An funny one - spitting water!
I was holding Maven in the sink waiting for him to go after a long sleep on a hot day - I could see he needed to go, as he was grizzling and grabbing at his tackle and had a piggly wiggly, but he wasn't relaxed enough to go. I started brushing my teeth as he found it funny. When I filled my mouth with water, bent down and spat it out in a steam, he peed at the same time - even stopped and started with me!

"Relax" as a verbal cue
I'd been using this as a verbal cue at sleepy times as he fell asleep on the boob for months. Reading of it in IPT, I started doing it regularly at pee breaks as well, rather than just sometimes. It definitely helps us. The key with this tool is to associate it with a time when baby is already relaxed, then to say it when he is peeing in a relaxed way, so it will begin to help him relax at other times.

Thinking with clarity
After a sequence of misses (at 11 months) that corresponded with me thinking about him having a pee, I considered our mental connection, intuition or even a telepathic link! It occurred to me that my buzzing brain was perhaps being a hindrance in our communication. So I made a concerted effort to think clearly about what I expected him to do - in my mind I'd visualise him peeing. Guess what? I was surprised at how effective this technique was many times. The trick is to visualise the baby peeing as you offer a pee break in a relaxed way. Stay outwardly calm and still, aiming to have your inner thoughts match or in sync with outer expectations as you breathe slowly and wait gently. Seems crazy, really. Perhaps the real help was to 'be there', rather than elsewhere in my mind...

Investigate a food reaction
If Maven was reacting to something new in his diet he would tend to arch and complain, even refuse at pee-breaks, likely as his digestive system was slightly inflamed, and so the position caused him discomfort. When I sorted it out each time, he would return to his usual cheerful cooperative self.

Don't panic - a change is not a bad habit.
A quote I found on The Natural Child Project was really helpful in making me realise that his not cooperating on occasion wasn't the start of the dreaded 'potty pause'. It also supports my commitment to cue-feeding, nursing to sleep, sleep sharing, all those things 'people' say "he'll never stop that if you don't stop it early!" They are just needs, and that is why they work so well when you respond to them. I read this frequently:

"For some strange reason we tend to think that to satisfy a child's need is to make it into an unbreakable habit, where in truth the exact opposite is true.

When our children develop a "good" habit, one that suits us, we are afraid it is not going to last. But when our children develop a "bad" habit, one that does not suit us, we are afraid it is going to last forever. 

Children should be given the credit that, provided the home environment is healthy, they will mature. As each need is fulfilled at each stage, they will move on and become more mature.

It will be found that one phase passes into another, and another, and another. Please trust that in a sound surrounding the child will graduate from each stage of development." Tine Thevenin
The Natural Child Project

The swinging door of progress
Children's development doesn't progress in a straight line, leaving a previous behaviour behind a closed door. The door swings as they move back and forth through it as they learn, exploring unfamiliar territory, and going back to what is safer or familiar. (discussed in "Diaper Free!")
This analogy about how children develop has also been helpful during this stage, so I realise he doesn't just learn a new skill and keep it, he tries it out, experiments with it for a while, does a few variations of it until he adopts it and drops an earlier stage. 

"There is no spoon" - be flexible.
We went with the "There is no spoon" or "There is no potty pause" approach, and determined to adapt to changes (to bend like the spoon in The Matrix) as needed. They (pauses) do not occur in other cultures, it is often said. In fact, they do, but the parents simply do not get worried over them - they continue offering, other places, until baby again is happy at offers.

I believe anything is temporary, not a developing bad habit. I believe he wants to cooperate and to stay dry.  It is my job to help him learn when he needs to go and to help him relax if necessary so he goes in the appropriate places, not in his clothes, as this makes him upset. Any changes signalled new developments physically or mentally, and reflected different needs on his part, usually more body contact, help relaxing, or help with pain relief. And believing there is no such phenomenon as a potty 'pause' or 'strike' – EC practice just continues. Believing this as a true fact has helped me adapt and persevere as necessary through changes in Maven’s behaviour - and things have continued, and also improved!  I'm sure there will be fun times ahead, but that is what this journey is about - change! Trusting his own awareness, to signal clearly, even if it later meant an accident, was OK. Part of his natural learning. He also needs to learn how long he can wait before peeing, as well as being able to pee small amounts when given the opportunity.

Learn Part Time Elimination Communication (EC)
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